Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Redneck Etiquette - Enjoy

Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods.

*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say! 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

*** WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.


Lefty Metalhead said...

That's some funny shit brother! We have some rednecks in Chicago's suburbs and we always get a laugh from their actions. They always seem to say that us city folk talk funny. Ha!

Bushwack said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Now to copy it and use it to try and improve my manors a bit, I know I'm guilty of a few of them.

The stuffed racoon is getting moved off the table,
I promise to quit throwng my rib bones of the floor at TGIF's

There are some others but they are personel.....

BigNewsDay said...

I hear you BW. You start fessin' up to some of those, your liable to get in trouble. You'll get asked questions like "Where did you get the pantyhose from?" and "what do you use to press the gas pedel while you're wizzin' out the window?"

Damn yankees wouldn't understand, anyway. (sorry Lefty)

Goremaster said...

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records."

lol. Mind of Mencia rules.

shoprat said...

Thanks for the chuckles. I needed a few.

BigNewsDay said...

No problem Shoprat. I received this list in my Inbox at work a few months ago, and rediscovered this afternon when I was trying to get my mailbox back under our allocated space.

ken hawk said...

ken hwak gives htis a thumBs up.

BlackLabelAxe said...

One more thing about personal hygeine:

-Swimming in the pool does count as a shower

-Swimming in the river may or may not count as a legitimate bath, depending on the river. The Chattahoochee, for example, does not count unless it's upstream from Altanta.

BigNewsDay said...

Another means of hygeine down here is to stand on the curb next to a puddle while Pa drives the truck around the block and splashes you. Saves time doin' laundry, as well.

Lefty Metalhead said...

Hygiene practices in the Windy City include diving into the Chicago River. What makes this wonderful cleansing process even better is St. Patrick's Day, on which the river is dyed green. Y'all can git in the river, get cleaned, and come out looking like a dang Martian! Aint that sumthin'!

BigNewsDay said...

Hey Lefty, you misspelled "lookin'"

BlackLabelAxe said...

y'aint from 'round here, areyuh?

BigNewsDay said...

those no spellin' yankees cain't spell nuttin' rite.

Lefty Metalhead said...

Well...you're right. I'm not familiar with southern grammar. You can call me an urban liberal elitist if you want...ha ha! It's good to be from "Chicawgo" (the real way to pronounce it).

I just saw something hilarious, by the way. Do any of you know the definition of "bodaggit"? In the movie, Napoleon Dynamite yells this word at Uncle Rico when they're in a scuffle.

According to the urban dictionary, bodaggit is:

"a tear-drop shaped piece of feces which dangles from the rectum while defecating. To knock it off, you must rock back and forth and from cheek to cheek to dislodge it from your sphincter".

Funny shit!

BigNewsDay said...

hey Lefty, We've always referred to those as dingleberries.

Lefty Metalhead said...

That's how I referred to them too! Bodaggit must be used in the pacific northwest.

CHINA JOE said...

one of the funniest lists.
you know how to circumcise a redneck?

kick his mom in the chin!

chicagoland has its share of trailer trash as well. theres a trailer community right behind the HOOTERS on 93rd and cicero.

Lefty Metalhead said...

Technically, that's considered Oak Lawn, a Chicago suburb. Then again, they probably venture out to the city from time to time.