Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present to you tonight the Master List of one of America's Greatest Heroes.
Some will never associate the word "hero" with jamming one's pecker in a tailpipe or blowing one's ass into five pieces with a firecracker. Certainly, Ken Hawk didn't strike anyone as brilliant when he first appeared at Blabbermouth suggesting he should wear his Iron maiden shirt to a job interview. Nor when he exited the site complaining about the importance of getting out of a Port-O-Potty before tipping it on its side. But the man had one thing: experience in life lessons. Don't wipe your dick on your girlfriend's curtains in front of her mom. Don't eat shit off the road on the way to work in order to get sent home sick. Don't shoot yourself in the cock with a BB gun to see if it will hurt. These are life lessons. The kind Dad never got around to.
There is so much to take away from the misadventures of one man. I've compiled this massive library, which I estimate is probably more than half of the Ken Hawk jokes out there in emails or Blabbermouth or in the digital dust somewhere. Take a moment, and I think you'll take something away from this tribute to Sir Ken Hawk, a true American hero:
Ken Hawk makes history, becomes first person to ever contact 911 with text message: oMG im on FirE hELp WTF ARggHH =o(
Ken Hawk puts himself on the map after imitating Jackass bottle rocket-out-of-the-butt stunt but uses a firecracker.
Car slams into side of building and erupts into flames; suprisingly not a police pursuit, but Ken Hawk failing another driver's test.
Ken Hawk finds father. In other news, theres a guy out there named Boyd Hawk.
Ten Things to do on a Date by Ken Hawk: Chapter 1: Getting smashed and wiping your dick on the curtains at your date's house.
"i gOt teh pEe e all Overe my jacKet rIrGht beFore the interview and ran into the CEo in the bath room". Just another day for Ken Hawk.
The Brilliance Of Ken Hawk: "I farted one time into a thermos and [put it in my frigde DAMN that thing fucking stinks".
Ken Hawk wraps his dick in aluminum foil to "keep it metal"!
"Step 1: Rock Port-O-Potty onto its side. Step 2: Get out." A giddy, giggling Ken Hawk fails a simple prank when the priority of steps is not fully thought out. Poopalarity ensues.
Ken Hawk WIKIPEDIA page features bio, record of dumbass decisions, official downloadable Ken Hawk font with automatic spelling errors and misplaced caps.
Official Ken Hawk designer jeans hit the stores; $199 gets you a pair of skin-tight chaps with "IroN maddEn" written in marker on the leg and a scorched hole on the ass.
Ken Hawk takes the old "photocopying your ass" office prank to a new level; rescued Monday morning after spending weekend with wang caught in fax machine.
Ken Hawk drinks heavily for the first time in years; wakes up with guy in a wig, 'stache rash.
Ken Hawk's first day at karate class shows promise, if promise means getting kicked in the head and punched in the dick until you pass out.
Scientists recover fossils of asexual mouthbreathing Homo species, theoretically the start of an evolutionary tangent between Ken Hawk and normal humans. Theory further approved after 900,00 year old Iron Maiden t-shirt found nearby.
Ken Hawk earns idiot of the year award by reattempting Jackass bottle rocket stunt; this time uses the right explosive, but fires it in the wrong direction.
Ten Things to do on a rainy day by Ken Hawk: Chapter Four: How about slamming your dick in a door?
BLABBERMOUTH: 12,000 Iron Maiden fans upset when concert turns out to be 3 hours of Ken Hawk riding a girls bike on stage.
Ken Hawk's information hacked and name is legally changed; Buttlick Hawk to appear in court today to get back identity.
Ken Hawk back to old habits: takes bathroom break during job interview, reaches for and misses TP, obliviously wipes butt with dress shirt.
Ken Hawks interview ettiquette: "fUKC selliNG ouT im waeerinG my IRon MAIDen shiRt to my iNTerviweew."
Ken Hawk misinterprets the phrase "booty call" made in optomistic fashion and tries it himself, ends up in ER with large cordless phone crammed 2/3 up ass. Bonus: Antenna first. Double Bonus: Someone keeps calling.
Against the warnings of several employees at Reflections Tanning & Waxing, Ken Hawk has first-ever-recorded pecker waxing; first strip torn off, screamalarity ensues.
Ken Hawk tries ironing his balls to get the wrinkles out. No, really.
"On SunDay i was real tired so I ate A PACK oF doublE A bAtteries and teh doctor says hopE they dont come ouT sideways whiCh i didnt get but lauGhed aT anyWAy."
Ken Hawk on leaded vs unleaded fuel: " i triED bOTh to seE iF the RE waS a booSt in mY perFORmAnce i Just goT siCK". "
Plugging in an abandoned TV you found in a creek? You might be Ken Hawk.
Mythbusters take on the legend of Ken Hawk, calculate that stupidity at even this level can't possibly exist, call it a day.
BLABBERMOUTH: MEGADETH turn down Ken Hawk's proposal for "Flush 'Em" parody of "Crush 'Em" as theme song, as well as invite for sleepover.
Things go all wrong for Ken Hawk fan mail when his primary address is hacked and changed to email@example.com.
Ken Hawk approval rating continues to rise, now just below approval rating for butt cancer.
Ken Hawk snubbed in Academy Awards when film "fiREcraCkr in bUtt" loses in Best Documentary Shot By A 39 Year Old Loser in His Backyard category.
Ken Hawk on interview etiquette: "iF yoU hAve TO JAck OFF uNDeR THE DESK betwen meEtiGNs With yoUr interViEwrs DONT GET CAUGHT".
Ken Hawk turned down for second time in as many days after Soundgarden officially disproves of "Butt Hole Sun" recording.
Unemployment calls, Iron Maiden dolls, and boners in the overalls: The Ken Hawk Biography. This weekend, on A&E.
Ken Hawk's first rockclimb goes awry after he crisscrosses the crotch harness straps and rope slack pulled taught crushes nad bag.
Ken Hawk removed from set of "Today" show; unprepared for formal interview, Hawk melted down, dove into a fort he constructed from couch cushions, spoke only through a face he drew on his pecker, referred to as "Schmitty".
Ken Hawk hits barber shop for first time in years, asks for price on a trim, and in front of a dozen women, drop pants, bends over pointing at ass and says give me a 1 and a 1/2.
Ken Hawk movie script trashed by execs. "A guy riding a girls bike around, a Manowar video, the guy jumping on his parents bed for 30 minutes, another hour talking about how much he hates his life, shooting himself in the weiner with a beebee gun to see if it hurts, another Manowar video, this is just retarded."
Second Ken Hawk script trashed, movie project completely nixed: "By page 2 he was farting the ABC's, and that was all I needed to read."
Ken Hawk tries out Jackass. First stunt "Poo-in-a-Milky-Way-wrapper" takes bad turn when 250 lb potential target turns out to not have a very good sense of humor.
Ken Hawk's television days over after fistfight with the Oxi-Clean guy breaks out on set.
Chicago Fire Dept Fourth of July weekend blotter: three firework incidents, one house fire, and having to save some Hawk guy who wanted to see if the garage door would crush his weiner or go back up.
Ken Hawk pummeled in bar with weenie hanging out of pants. Cross off drawing two eyes and a smile on your wang as a decent pick-up device.
War of words with neighborhood's 13-year-old bully goes up a notch when Ken Hawk finds his Huffy Princess bike and Hello Kitty helmet smashed.
Ken Hawk tries to kill self with the old car-in-garage method; never realizing he needs to start the ignition, Hawk spends a whole day just sitting in mom's car.
Ken Hawk gets tanked in Vegas, drops $30,000, loses drunken fistfight with Louie Anderson.
Radio station W-KEN now up and rolling; Ken Hawk rules the airwaves with butt rock, long monologues about how he cant get a girlfriend, daily interviews with Mortiis.
Ken Hawk scores a 100 on test. Unfortunately its the SAT. The old "400 points just for signing your name" rule just shakes its head.
In wake of W-KEN going down Ken Hawk tries his hand at hip hop, tries to mix it up on the streets of Chicago as "Ice Pube"; the hospital reports 167 stitches this time.
Ken Hawk pushes autobiography deal, MacMillan & Brown Publishing already rejects possible titles "i dUMp in tEh batHtuB" and "fAR beyON6D kEN" before even reading.
New airline restrictions in place; however, Ken Hawk is actually GIVEN shampoo and deodarant, body search called off.
Ken Hawk's lemonade stand closes after 4 days of disappointing sales; sadly the whole "lemons freshly squeezed between my asscheeks" never really caught on.
World Battleship Board Game Championship sees Ken Hawk take an early exit, highlight was opponent calling "B4", Hawk blowing some floor-shaking ass, giggling, and stating "I think you sunk my pants".
Hawk on last weeks incident: "well i HAd to GO to teh hosp[ITal and thinK of an esxcuse for how i twisted mY wang in My biKE spokEs so i didnT look liKe a dumbaSs".
Matches, Kix cereal, diarrhea medicine, Manowar stickers, skid marks on trees: Ken Hawk goes camping.
Ken Hawk takes up summer physics, quantum mechanics courses; is dead serious about finding a way to warp poop in lieu of just getting potty trained.
Ken Hawk gets carmel popcorn snack themed after him; Crapperjacks hit stores by 2007, mystery toy inside boxes most likely to be assorted Eddie Hunter toy doll pieces.
A week and a half into summer semester Ken Hawk bails out of classes; Intro to Bathing, Wiping 101 courses apparently too much information at one time.
Ken Hawk disguises self as toilet in ladies room, plan foiled when pervert comes in to hide toilet cameras; Hawk could not be reached for comment at proctologist.
New hero based on Ken Hawk emerges; some question the appeal of "Butt Lad", who fights crime while struggling with lack of superpowers, employment, sense of hygiene.
A week of cheese-block consumption creates block of its own in Ken Hawk, who attempts to unclog himself with CLR; on the bright side, he clears the drains.
Live children's show pulled off air when an exchange of views turns violent; headline: "Ken Hawk gets into fistfight with Muppet".
Ken Hawk exhibit now open in Chicago; what some call poop with a fork in it, Ken Hawk calls art.
Ken Hawk's magic show shut down over lack of interest; "pulling fart from my ass trick", use of weiner in puppet shows draws low marks from theater-going public and critics alike.
Ken Hawk suffers severe meltdown after Blabbermouth hands a 5.5 review to the new Iron Maiden album; for some reason thinks having a blithering spasm and pulling a washing machine over on top of himself will fix things.
"Ford Festiva '81 FREE" prank sign gets Ken Hawks box car stolen over weekend; car later found destroyed at playground with kids kicking the shit out of it.
Stained silk shirt: $3. Pink leather pants: $60. LA Gears with huge tongue: $20. Ken Hawk donning the aforementioned and getting wailed on at local club: 263 stitches.